Breaking News: She Shot the Moose

The "W" stands for a Cubs Win, not Dubya

This is a fun little test that Fran emailed me this morning. Since I have absolutely not one thought in my Diva brain other than the fact that the Chicago Cubs Magic Number is 4 and they lost to freaking Milwaukee last night. So until they clinch, I am having small bouts of anxiety.

No. The Financial Crisis matters not at all when baseball is on the table. A totally unqualified hockey mom as VP Candidate hardly matters when the Cubs are poised to do what hasn't been done by them in 100 years. I'm sorry, I must focus now on winning vs. heartbreak.

Because if I focus on what really matters, my head might explode.

(image stolen courtesy my opponent, Dr. Zaius)

Serious Concerns About Campaign Ethics

While I do respect Dr. Zaius for his service to our nation, I question his attempts to influence potential cabinet positions. I had previously offered someone the position of Minister of UFOs position. I was under the impression that The Unconventional Conventionist had accepted the position, but apparently even my offer to double his salary from nothing to twice that, PLUS tossing in Minister of Appetizers and Happy Hour has not solidified his loyalties. I am, to say the least, disappointed.

And I am speaking off the cuff, because my speechwriter, Ingrid has been busy working on a decent stump speech for me. Meanwhile, I had to say something about how disgusting the sub-human Bill Kristol is.

As for this campaign, we are as much about happy underpants, chocolate, puppies, moonbeams, kittens and rainbows as the next person. Geezeloufuckingwheeze.

Oh, and Happy Birthday to Marcel Duchamp.

Ode to Randal, Campaign Manager

Randal Graves, campaign manager extraordinaire, has come up with the platform to end all platforms for our assault on the White House campaign for the Presidency. My running-mate, The lovely Nunly is nothing but spiritual and holy, so we'll get the religious fanatics which will help keep us on a higher plane plain level. She's busy working to get media attention for us.

Here is a partial list of Cabinet and Supreme Court Positions:

Spartacus is FDA, DEA and FTD (someone needs to be in charge of flowers.)

Drdon is National Science Advisor and head of Reality TeeVee - "Republican Gladiators" will throw neo-con body parts to the wolves.

Dcup is head of the FCC, and she will wear Opera Gloves.

Utah Savage is Big Chief Justice of the Supreme Court,

Liberality will head up the EPA.

Mathman has taken Homeland Security, Education, Treasury, Baseball Commissioner and Football Commissioner, making him more powerful than god.

Fran is another Supreme Court Justice. She gets theme music, "Here come da judge, here come da judge."

DK Raed is so good at procuring, and expendables, that I want her to be Attorney General. It makes no sense, but I like the discord.

Susan will be Secretary of State, and promises to not get those scary devil eyes that Condi Rice has.

Cart is Australian, so he wants to have foreign affairs. Whatever.

Border Explorer has become our Press Secretary. Not that there is any serious pressing to be done, but still.

Okjimm is in charge of refreshments and good ideas.

JUST ADDED: Bradda will be Secretary of The Fence. This is such an important person, because he doesn't want to study war no more and he will sing "Don't Fence Me In" three times a day.

YET ANOTHER UPDATE: Agi has signed on to be minister of political affairs consultant/propaganda (photoshop). He should start with my fixation on firemen.

But Randal has come up with a 12 point platform. It was supposed to be 11 but he said that's a scary number.
1. Universal Health Care
2. Free donuts and beer for everyone (root or grainy)(the beer, not the donuts)
3. Protecting cemetaries or some other nonsense from thieves.
4. Slashing the Pentagon's budget so we can do something about hot globes.
5. Mandatory military service for pro-war citizens and their offspring, but not for the rest of us pinko liberal commie scum
6. Doing away with NCLB, which is really only there to waste paper for test taking, so it helps the hot globe thingie as well.
7. Fixing our infrastructure (roads, dams, levees, bridges, things that fall down in the night due to high winds, earthquakes, and generally shoddy workmanship)
8. Warrantless wiretapping will be limited to Republican targets.
9. No more sports championships for the cities of Noo Yawk and Bah-ston for awhile. And we've added Los Angeles to that list as well.
10. Cleaning out the Bush and Reagan and Ford Supremes from the Court. (Both Bush 1 and 2)
11. Hockey? WTF? HOCKEY? Oh, that falls under the Reality TeeVee arena, and as long as I can watch the Chicago Cubs at will, I'm jiggy with it.
12. People will dress fabulously as soon as we get rid of those pesky SUVs and high gas prices and switch to Solar Powered vehicles.

Did I miss anything? Leave anyone out? Remember, Mary Ellen and I are taking on Dr. Zaius as well as McBush McCain and Obama.

Facing November's Election

The June issue of Vanity Fair has an article by James Wolcott that focuses on one of my main concerns: the absolute viciousness of the Clinton-versus-Obama supporters as we all eat each other alive. I am not talking about the candidates; I am talking about the supporters of the candidates. As we flay the skin off of each other, it keeps the focus off of what really matters: the White House and McCain.

Wolcott's article focuses mostly on the rift at Daily Kos, and other liberal blogs. Wolcott writes:

The rancor was disproportionate in intensity and extravagant in invective, a fervor worthy of ancestral foes. Months-old grievances seethed and erupted as if they had been bubbling for centuries in a lake of bad blood. On the most egoistic plane, it seemed like a clash of entitlements, the messianics versus the menopausals. The Obama-ites exuded the confidence of those who feel that they embody the future and are the seed bearers of energies and new modalities too long smothered under the thick haunches of the tired, old, entrenched way of doing things. The Hillarions felt a different imperative knocking at the gate of history, the long-overdue prospect of the first woman taking the presidential oath of office. For them, Hillary’s time had come, she had paid her dues, she had been thoroughly vetted, she had survived hairdos that would have sunk lesser mortals, and she didn’t let a little thing like being loathed by nearly half of the country bum her out and clog her transmission.

Meanwhile, George W. Bush polishes his cowboy boots, completely obtuse to the fact that he's destroyed the economy, the environment, Iraq, our standing in the world, the Bill of Rights, absolutely everything he's touched. He's probably secure in the knowledge that with all the Democratic infighting, he's not going to be Impeached, and probably has a nice parcel of land in Paraguay just waiting for him. VP Cheney's response to just about any tough question is his curled lip, "So?" Because he's also secure in the knowledge that he's going to slide out of office unscathed.

Meanwhile, Obama is likely going to declare victory tonight - which is fine with me, let's get on with it, let's focus on November, and McCain. Please. Let us stop doing the Republican's job, let us stop making this easy for McCain. When we consider that McCain's chief economic advisor is Phil Gramm,, vice chairman of a U.S. division of Zurich-based financial giant UBS and former advisor to Enron. UBS is currently the focus of congressional and Justice Department investigations into schemes that allegedly enabled wealthy Americans to evade income taxes by stashing their money in overseas havens.

So I ask you: does it matter if Hillary wears pantsuits, or if Obama's former pastor is a jerk? When you consider the constant barrage of information, candidates are under a level of scrutiny that is beyond human endurance. We can focus on minutia or we can focus on the issues that matter, and elect a Democrat.