Friday, September 22, 2006

Lipgloss is evil

So I packed, got to the airport in plenty of time yesterday, got to security with no huge lines, and suddenly, by purse is stopped in the machine. Three TSA people are looking at the image. I get called aside. "Ma'am, is this your bag?" Well, of course it is. It is a fashionable shade of burnt sienna, perfect for a traveling Diva. I say "Yes." "Ma'am, I am going to have to open it. Do not touch it." He pulls out my NARS lipgloss, shade called Foul Play. He says "This is a banned substance. It is a liquid." I think, shit. It's my favorite color, I forgot it was in there, can I talk my way out of this? "But it's only lip gloss!" and I quickly put some on to prove it wasn't dangerous. Mr. TSA Man wasn't swayed. He took it, and immediately gave it to one of the women working -- yes, I was pissed.


DBK said...

I feel so much safer.

The Transportation Safety Administration--Keeping the World Safe from Unchapped Lips

Alicia said...

I went through that, too - I was luckier than you, though - I had a sympathetic (and Norman Brown fan) checker. I almost lost about a hundred dollars' worth of foundation (gotta have that spackle for the stage). I did lose a moisturizer I liked and some other stuff but I really needed that spackle!

Yoga Korunta said...

The TSA should reimburse you for the lip gloss and then charge it back to George.

Happy Rosh Hashanah!

enigma4ever said...

I am so sorry Diva- this ain't all.

( My ex came to visit my son this week- he got pulled out and had his shoes swabbed- no joke...He quipped " hmm, I guess Foot& Mouth disease is trying to travel?....)

robin andrea said...

This is like a scene out of a Kafka novel. Your lip gloss must be removed. Intentionality means nothing. Everyone is a suspect. Fear is a religion. Our unelected president is the fear-master.

Good yontif, divajood.

Tina said...

That blows Diva. And NARS is rather pricey to replace. They do have THE best blush ever in the fabulous shade called Deep Throat.
Well, this won't replace the lipgloss, but this made me laugh, so maybe it will make you laugh, too.
It was sent to me this afternoon by my lifelong friend Shaina-Saree, along with adorable pix of her gorgeous son Ari. I hope you enjoy! and l'shanah tovah! (She included that in my email... I'm assuming it means have a good New Year??)

Frederick said...

To bad they didn't catch the small knife I had in my laptop bag...they were to busy using that sniffer thingy on my notebook!


Crabbi said...

That sucks, Jood. You know what else pisses me off? That I have to rein in my smartassness with these TSA people, in order to avoid being sent to Gitmo. Good thing they can't x-ray my brain and read my thoughts.

I'm curious -- can't these guys figure out which liquids can be used for bombmaking and restrict those? Surely not every liquid poses a threat.

DivaJood said...

DBK, really - my lips are just suffering, but the world is safe.

Alicia, I remember that they tried to take your stage makeup. The creeps.

Yoga, I can just see all the chargebacks from people - I don't think they'll give me squat for my lippie.

E4E, your ex- sounds like he's got a bit of my attitude. Like swabbing a shoe is going to help. Maybe he was a farmer, walking in pig shit. That would come up positive.

Robin Andrea, it was so insane. And the guy, the minute I walked away, called out "Sophia, here's a gloss for ya."

Tina, Deep Throat is a great shade, a bit too dark for me, but it is fantastic. I use Orgasm as my blush. I can't open the Youtube, will do so when I get home.

Crabbi, if they could arrest us for our thoughts, there would not be enough room in the prisons.

La Shana Tova, happy New Year, 5767.

DivaJood said...

Fred, you kept your knife while I had to give up Foul Play? THAT SUCKS. I mean it, my lip gloss is more expensive than your knife.

Lulu Maude said...

Helping to relieve travelers of their terrorist lip gloss must result in handsine addition to one's own beauty stashes... unless, of course, these forms of contraband are transported to bunkers with thick concrete walls in the dead of night...

karena said...

I wear Deep Throat. I switched to that from Orgasm when Deep Throat finally confessed.

Diva, I swear, they are stealing our shit for their own personal use.

I hope your Foul Play picked up an icky lip fungus crapola in Australia and Stella or Sheila or whoever gets horrible blistery lips. Thank God you were spared. I declare, what next?

By the way, when that rule went into place I tried to rough it without my prescription anti-acne cream. I thought a couple of nights without it wouldn't kill me and it is too expensive to have to throw it away. Needless to say, I got the biggest zit ever. It is my George Bush zit, and I blame him for the scar. What a f--wad.

Now I check everything and have had my bag lost twice since this new rule went down. Twice. So now I have to wear business clothes the night before my meeting (on the plane) just in case my bag gets lost. I also just take powdered make up and carry it on so I won't show up to business meetings looking like a total slob.

Pete's Blog said...


You gotta look at the 1 in 10 million chance of the political fallout of lipgloss going off.

Homeland Security fed on the reflected glory of the Brits avoiding a 9/11 scale scenerio and by golly taking lip gloss from people irrelevant to terrorism is Bush's way of maintaining an electoral feeling of dread.


Sue Woo said...

I'm takin the train from now on.

betmo said...

doncha think that you should do your part in keeping america safe? come on now jood.

DivaJood said...

lulu maude, I think that even in concrete bunkers, a person needs there freakin lip gloss. I mean, really. Look at the movies - all the spies are properly groomed.

Karena, I think Aveda makes a wet/dry foundation/powder - they used to do, but I forget. It would work. You can take lipstick, and cake liner (the kind you apply with a brush) on board, too. Not toothpaste. And here's the real killer. You are now forced to purchase those awful snacks on board, you can no longer pre-buy a meal and carry it on.

Pete, Bush has no clue the fury of a woman separated from her cosmetics. I'm just sayin.

Sue Woo, I'm starting to think about the real prospect of naked flying.

Betmo, no fucking way. We're talking about LIP GLOSS here. I will do my part to keep America safe as long as it doesn't involve my lip gloss. Of course, Karena volunteered to do the BJ if it would get Shrub impeached.

karena said...

What really floored me, and I travel all the time, sometimes every week, is right after the fake terror alert banned lipstick my bag got lost in Salt Lake City. I asked the cab driver to stop by the drugstore. Just in case my bag did not make it, I was heading to the East Coast the next afternoon, so I knew I would need certain products. Already, the grocery store had a woman's travelers kit and a man's travelers kit. The price was like $7.99 and it had minature deodorant, toothpaste, toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, hairspray and body cream. All of that. Anyway, the shaving cream was in a tube just like the toothpaste, so I brushed my teeth with it. It tasted funny, but I just assumed it was some off-brand of toothpaste, and I noticed my teeth felt much slicker and cleaner. Then I realized I had brushed my teeth with shaving cream.

I was amazed that store shelves were already stocked with these kits. Who gave the manufacturers this kind of heads up? Packaging is an art, and this was not done overnight.

DivaJood said...

Karena, that's just so wrong, because manufacturers MUST have had a heads up on this.

Eeww on the shaving cream mouth paste bit, though.