The Second Step of Alcoholics Anonymous explains why I’ve become a bit silent as a blogger of late. The step says simply: “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Of late, I’ve been feeling off-center, dis-eased, and this emotional imbalance has been fueled by rage and a focus on what is wrong with our nation. I confess, it has been making me feel thirsty - a dangerous condition for a person like me.
Over the course of the year, I have participated in the blogswarms against theocracy in July and in April because I believe in a power greater than myself. Isn’t that a paradox? I am not anti-religion; I am very much about mandating how I should believe. But then I remember what it says in Step Two:
We gloated over the hypocrisy, bigotry, and crushing self-righteousness that clung to so many `believers’ even in their Sunday best. How we loved to shout the damaging fact that millions of the `good men of religion’ were still killing one another off in the name of God. This all meant, of course, that we had substituted negative for positive thinking.What I can control is my own behavior. I am unable to continue to point out the wrongs of others, because it makes ME feel ill. I have the disease of alcoholism, and for me, focus on negative thinking makes me feel ill, and when I feel ill, I feel thirsty. I want to drink at the problems. I feel overwhelmed and incapable of fixing anything. I substitute negative for positive thinking.
So I became quiet at my own blog. I’ve posted infrequently here. I’m trying to focus on what I CAN do, which is simple and clear and clean: I need to practice ethical morality and be the example of what I want to see in the world. As a sober woman, I need to be the change I want to see. And while I have not closed up shop completely over at Journeys with Jood, I will not post on a regular basis. I must really keep it simple, for me. Anger is a luxury I cannot afford. Once I know the problem, I have to focus on what makes it right rather than how wrong or fucked up it is - rage is something that younger people can handle but I cannot.
I am not silent - but my focus must change. My method of speaking and reading must change. It must, or I will lose. And frankly, my friends, it is ALL about me!
(cross posted at The Sirens Chronicles and The Fat Lady Sings
15 comments:
I understand completely. I'll probably continue to post about what I view as unjustice, bigotry, etc. on IAB but I know the dangers lurking in "justifiable" resentments so I try for some kind of balance. It's the main reason I have two blogs; entirely different in nature.
The closest I've ever come to drinking was over a broken fingernail of all things. It took a while to realize that it was much more than that. We must remain vigilant and never take our sobriety, no matter how many years have passed, for granted.
(I'm back online again and am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel).
You write exactly why Roger and I don't post about politics, why we live in the country, hike around looking for things to remind us that the world is not all the terrible things we read about in the news. We don't deny that the horrors of the world exist, but we can't let it be the only thing we see. I am glad that you are taking care of yourself. I've been thinking of you and wishing you the very best, divajood. I miss your voice, but am glad that you are doing what you must to be whole and healthy. Be well, my friend.
I read your post several times before I commented. The first thing that came to me was All things in moderation." That's why I "do" politics for a while, then I take off on some other tangent. Prolonged anger is a luxury I can't afford, either.
I call the 2nd step my comfort step, the "Dan" step. When I got there, I fought AA every inch of the way. It took me eight months to work the second step, in pieces. It was suggested I temporarily replace "we" with "I", and break it down into parts. "I came. Ok, you've got me, work miracles! I've got things to do. I came to believe. I saw those miracles around me, as I listened more, but I still didn't believe. "I came to believe that a power greater than myself." I was NOT going to do that "God" shit, I don't care what anybody said! But I was shown an alternative. It made a lot more sense than that "God" crap. I tried it out. I couldn't sober myself up, everybody else said they couldn't either, something had to be doing it! Could restore us to sanity." This was a big chunk. My temper ran full blast. I remember an early meeting: (Me talking) "You fruitcakes have the balls to call ME nuts???" They weren't. It was the insanity of doing the same thing over and over, and not understanding why I never got different results. Finally, somehow, it all fell into place. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
Sorry for the sermon. You just happened to talk about my lifesaver was all!:) Above all, just go to meetings and plop yourself down. He/She/It will do the rest.
Hugs!!!
your post resontes powerfully. walking/talking/being productive and compassionate are so much healthier than griping and feeling the anguish that is so easily accessed. i especially like 'keeping it simple' and it is paradoxically one of the more challenging things we can do with ourselves!
Though I am not affiliated with any particular religion, the idea of "retrea" appeals to me greatly - especially slient retreat: those Carmelite nuns cloistered away praying for the world, or Buddhist temples in the middle of nowhere where every act during the day is a meditation.
Thank you for your inspirational thoughts.
Granny, I knew a woman, god, 18 years ago - I was still new in AA, and she had been in and out for years - she drank herself to death over an infected toenail - her son had an ingrown, infected nail, and she drank all weekend. Died. For me, though, it took a while to figure out that I was feeling a "power-driven rage." So I've decided it is better to GIVE a resentment than to HAVE one.
Robin, if I had been better equipped financially, I would live in the country, and retire gracefully. Unfortunately, I am not in a position to do so. As a result, it is essential that I focus on what is within my sphere of influence. I cannot arrest the criminals, but I can live an ethical life.
Future, I stayed out of AA for years because I saw it as a cult for white, male, Christian low-bottom drunks. Sigh. Now, 19 + years of sobriety, I am very aware of how my thinking influences my actions. Meetings are so important, really - and I go regularly. Always have. When I was new, I used the group as my higher power. Whatever, I know that it is not me, and out of that surrender comes great power. What a paradox!
Taradharma, it's interesting - washing the dishes can be a meditation. I view house-cleaning as a meditation. Anything I do that I am completely focused on, becomes a meditation. But those acts of awareness are only part of the deal. Over the weekend, something happened - my grandbaby did something funny - and I laughed so hard I felt like I was floating - that lightness of being that becomes a gift.
Anyway, Gratitude is everything.
i also have felt burned out by national politics. for me, it came after all the Dems were elected.....and nothing changed.
now that i have a parent dying, my blog has, and will be for awhile, become my journal for this journey. i write for me and so appreciate the visits from others, esp sharing their experiences with same.
i live far out in a suburb, still lots of trees and a tinge of country. and it's quiet. i wish there were more wildlife, but i appreciate what we get.
take all the time you need. we all need a respite now and then.
Take your time diva jood. I will still be here to read you when your ready to return.
I too suffer immense anger over the unneeded deaths of our young men and women by the Idiot in Chief.
Take care friend and stay well.
God Bless.
If you were here I would just give you a big hug and say I hear you...and make you some soup and sit and listen.....it's okay...none of us can live with rage...it isn't healthy...blog and write for yourself...and may it be healing and feel good...very few blog anger all the time now....many blog what heals...soup to kittens...we need to be gentle with each other...we have been through too much...everyone...
Lovely to see your little one here....children heal hearts....and animals too....it is why 6-6 wanted to take in a sick cat and I could not say no....I knew that we both were looking for Hope....( it is over on blog earlier in week) and I needed to see Life renew....
I understand...I do...namaste good woman...namaste...take care...many hugs...
( Okay I confess I came back to see Granbaby...she is so cute...and she looks so sweet ...so loved sitting there surrounded by music and books....)
Interestingly enough, divajood, you are doing what all good Masons should do. Get rid of those parts of our character that do not serve us in order to grow and ultimately have a better understanding of that "higher power", name it how you will.
Please know that you have my unqulified support in your endeavor to find balance.
Be Well,
Traveling Man
I came hoping for a look at the Ellie Bean...very nice surprise!
Thanks so much for carrying this message to all of us. Love your grandbaby at the piano. Baby grand!
Diva, my heart friend and sister in recovery...
You may have noticed I've been MIA myself for awhile. I tried so hard to find/strike a balance between being active and aware and finding myself poisoned by the world. Once again, I was unable to be whole and calm and connected after a time, and needed to retire from the anger and despair to my beautiful desert, and my chubbiliscious grandson, garden, friends and family.
I finally decide to peek my head in, and choose to start with one of the few regular blogger friends that I read who had not succumbed to the rage, to find you also taking time to rest and recharge your spirit and voice.
I am sending you so much love right now. Love and Light that I hope you can feel coming to you across the miles and through cyber-space, as we continue our journies (separate, yet together) in healing and finding our whole selves, and thereby healing the world.
Namaste, my sister and "keep comin' back"!!
PS
stop by my place for grandbaby and garden blogging and other expressions of love.
Ms. Diva, if you haven't already, I strongly urge you to read as much as you can on Buddhism. I believe you will find what you need at this time.
Best wishes.
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