The Second Step of Alcoholics Anonymous explains why I’ve become a bit silent as a blogger of late. The step says simply: “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Of late, I’ve been feeling off-center, dis-eased, and this emotional imbalance has been fueled by rage and a focus on what is wrong with our nation. I confess, it has been making me feel thirsty - a dangerous condition for a person like me.
Over the course of the year, I have participated in the blogswarms against theocracy in July and in April because I believe in a power greater than myself. Isn’t that a paradox? I am not anti-religion; I am very much about mandating how I should believe. But then I remember what it says in Step Two:
We gloated over the hypocrisy, bigotry, and crushing self-righteousness that clung to so many `believers’ even in their Sunday best. How we loved to shout the damaging fact that millions of the `good men of religion’ were still killing one another off in the name of God. This all meant, of course, that we had substituted negative for positive thinking.What I can control is my own behavior. I am unable to continue to point out the wrongs of others, because it makes ME feel ill. I have the disease of alcoholism, and for me, focus on negative thinking makes me feel ill, and when I feel ill, I feel thirsty. I want to drink at the problems. I feel overwhelmed and incapable of fixing anything. I substitute negative for positive thinking.
So I became quiet at my own blog. I’ve posted infrequently here. I’m trying to focus on what I CAN do, which is simple and clear and clean: I need to practice ethical morality and be the example of what I want to see in the world. As a sober woman, I need to be the change I want to see. And while I have not closed up shop completely over at Journeys with Jood, I will not post on a regular basis. I must really keep it simple, for me. Anger is a luxury I cannot afford. Once I know the problem, I have to focus on what makes it right rather than how wrong or fucked up it is - rage is something that younger people can handle but I cannot.
I am not silent - but my focus must change. My method of speaking and reading must change. It must, or I will lose. And frankly, my friends, it is ALL about me!
(cross posted at The Sirens Chronicles and The Fat Lady Sings