Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Having a Really Bad Day
I haven't typed about having Fibromyalgia in a while. Although I have been dealing with it for years, it was only fairly recently diagnosed and I still have trouble wrapping my head around the idea of having a condition that has no cure, no known cause, and hurts like a motherfucker. It's depressing, and at times I just want to cry from the constant, relentless pain. Most of the time, I am able to manage it well through exercise, rest, and eating right. Then there are days that nothing at all helps - and since I am unable to take Vicodin; Lyrica didn't help; and I won't take other addictive meds, when those bad days happen upon me, I am, in a word, fucked.
Yesterday was one of those days. Today is worse. My hands and wrists feel like they are on fire, my fingers feel like they are being given little electric shocks. Same with my feet, ankles and toes. My back feels like I'm being beaten with an iron pipe. My head throbs, not like a normal headache, not like a migraine, it's more like the reverberation from being beaten on the back with an iron pipe. I cannot tolerate odors, they make me nauseated today.
I hate this, because I feel helpless to do anything to make it stop. I hate this, because it makes me feel weak, vulnerable, and lost. On days like this, I think I should never have divorced my ex-husband, and that is absolutely untrue. On days like this, I believe the lies my mind tells me, the things that want me isolated and alone. On days like this, you could say I am in a really bad mood, but that would not quite be accurate. Today, I am having a really hard time of it. I don't feel well and it contains a mental and emotional component which I dislike. I know it will not always be this way, yet I am in the thick of it today.
I'm lucky. I am not one of those people with Fibro who is unable to get out of bed on bad days - I am always mobile, and I am always able to get up and keep moving. This is luck, I believe, and I think the years I spent as a long distance bicycle rider helps me a lot in my ability to manage the pain. But the emotional and mental component makes me NOT want to manage - on days like today I want to give up, and crawl into bed, and never get up.
This is not depression - it is pain. I have clinical depression, which is managed by Zoloft, and I know the difference. Zoloft is also used to help manage Fibro, which is interesting. When I get depressed, there is a physical symptom that is scary: I feel like my face is sliding off my cheeks - like my face is melting. I haven't had that symptom in years. Lucky me. Today, though, I am having a really bad day.