Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Government Explained

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a
man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your

You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you
for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and
are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef.
PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows."
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for
the children."
Arnold Schwartzenegger signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

I have to laugh. Despite the overwhelming saddness I feel about Senator Kennedy's illness, I have to find a way to laugh. Despite the frustration I feel that the two remaining Democrats continue to have a slugfest, I have to find a way to laugh. Myanmar refuses to accept US Naval aide to the cyclone-ravaged Irrawaddy River delta region, which boggles my mind, but I have got to find a way to laugh.

Because if I don't find some humor somewhere, I will become buried in grief, anger and frustration. Senator Kennedy will fight with all he's got to live his life to the fullest. We cannot eulogize him yet, he's still among the living. Yes, it is a terrible prognosis, but he's still very much among the living. I expect he will move forward with courage.

Eventually, we will have a Democratic Party nominee for President. It will be either Obama, or Clinton. And I have got to find a way to laugh because this is waltzing into the realm of the surreal. We're in at an extraordinary historic juncture. For the first time, the United States will nominate EITHER a Woman, or a Black - and this means that the White House is no longer the exclusive domain of White Male Protestants (or the one Catholic). This is exciting. But what do we do? Obama supporters demonize Clinton; Clinton supporters demonize Obama. And the McCain supporters sit back and let us do their job for them. If that's not hilarious, I don't know what is. Okay, maybe not hilarious. It's black humor, though, please give me that much.

As for the military junta in Burma - I mean WTF! Aid is aid, and to refuse the US Navy because they don't LIKE us is tantamount to murdering their own people.

But if I do not find a way to laugh, I might begin to sob and never stop. Right now, I feel I could drown in a sea of my own tears.


Randal Graves said...

Heh heh.

It doesn't really ratchet up the level of 'ha ha,' and it's not a political philosophy, but how about:

You have no cows.

Hey, I'm a lefty, we're supposed to be dour and such. When we're not smoking weed or whatever it is that we do.

DivaJood said...

RG, I would update Third Worlder:
You have no cows.
The Military Junta says you owe them all your non-cows, or you will be put to death.

I'm a lefty too. I'm dour because I locked myself out of my condo today. See above.

D.K. Raed said...

Hey, I laughed. Taking your mind off the problems of the day with a good laugh is always good. Soon, we'll have an prez nominee and I will work like hell to defeat McCain.

Re: Burma. Would they really shoot down planes airdropping food/water/meds? We've taken those risks for stupid shit, but when thousands of lives are at stake, we diddle around while people are dying. C'mon, we airlifted into Berlin! If they shot down a food plane, Thailand would be all over their ass & the Thai army is nothing to sneeze at. In fact, I wonder why they are not moving into Burma now. Ok, I am cynical.

DivaJood said...

DK, yes, the military junta in Burma would shoot down a supply plane. Yes they would.

enigma4ever said...

so who has Mad Cow Disease NOW ?....mmoooooomooooo...

never mind...

DivaJood said...

Enigma, oh, lordy. That was certainly a moooving comment.