Friday, October 06, 2006

Hastert Vows to Overcome Scandal

Speaker J. Dennis Hastert (R-IL) said Thursday that he expected to win re-election and run for speaker again. He found his way to the post eight years ago through back-room maneuvering, and by sitting on his opponents, while the party was in crisis. Several Republicans had awakened with the sick realization that they had a moron for a President, and while puking in restrooms in the Rayburn Building, Hastert found his way to the Speaker position.

Speaking to his constituants in Batavia, Illinois, Mr. Hastert vowed he would not become a casualty in the Foley Scandal. He said, "First, I'm not gay, so they can't pin that on me. Next, I'm too fat to get aroused, so I won't stalk any children." When a reporter pressed Hastert on the question of his resignation, Hastert mumbled, "Any time that a person has to, as a leader, be on the hot seat and he is a detriment to the party, you know, there ought to be a change. That's how I became speaker, because that idiot Robert Livingston got caught for screwing around." Livingston had been the party's first choice to replace Newt Gingrich as speaker, but he withdrew when it became public that he was having an extramarital affair.

Hastert used to hide behind his sponsor, the ever-so-slimy Tom Delay. Now Delay is gone, under indictment in Texas for campaign financing irregularities, and under investigation for being in bed with Jack Abramoff. Suddenly, Hastert is looming large, and the party thinks he might be a liability. Yesterday, in fact, he received the kiss of death through a phone call from Prezdint BumbleShrub, who said "Way to go, Denny. We love ya."

In an interview with Larry King of CNN, Mr. Bush said: "I’m very, very fond and think very highly of Hastert."

When Mr. King asked, "Don’t you think he should quit?" Mr. Bush responded, "Oh no. No, no, no. He takes all the heat off of me, and that makes me feel good."


Frederick said...

Man, he's been packing on the pounds...guess he won't need this anymore.

The Fat Lady Sings said...

God I hope he isn't re-elected! That would solve a whole host of problems. Northern Illinois is solidly Democratic. Unfortunately - down south where Hastert's from is where all of those skinhead types have a solid foothold. That's the type who keeps voting Hastert and the like in. Let's hope the tide turns for the better this go-round.

Helen Wheels said...

OMIGAWD when I saw Jabba I busted out laughing!!

Hilarious. Don't worry, Bastert's going down. I love that he's putting up a fight. Good. Let it simmer in the public eye longer.

Helen Wheels said...

There's a freakin' ROOSTER in the pet of the day pic! HA!! Only in L.A., eh?

betmo said...

again, nicely done. keep it going to remind everyone of the hypocrisy and lies.

Alicia said...

'J' stands for Jabba and Denny stands for, well, 'Denny's'.

They say that keeping him in office will bolster Democratic wins...

Sue Woo said...

See, I thought about Jabba this week too! But it was when I saw a recent pic of the Right Rev Jerry Falwell!

Pursey Tuttweiler said...

First of all, that is the best picture of Denny ever.

Second, I just busted Bushbro as being the gayest gay of all times. How many straight men can reflect upon a big fat ass and say, "I am very, very fond of him?" FOND. He's either a flowery, poetic, literary, type or he's gay.

oldwhitelady said...

Where on earth did you find that early picture of Hastert? Is it his yearbook photo? Great post!

DivaJood said...

Fred, that's hilarious.

TFLS, I dunno. Even the Sun-Times and Tribune seem mad at poor ol' Denny.

Helen, I think Denny may indeed be watching the end of his unremarkable career. He should have stayed with wrestling. He looks like Chris Farley did as the "motivational speaker."

Betmo, thanks.

Alica, he's really an embarrassment to everyone. If you want a definition of the word putz, it's Denny.

Sue, Jabba fits so many people. Karl Rove; Dickhead Cheney; Jerry Falwell.

Pursey, fond is such an interesting word. In the right hands, it's poetic. In this case, um, not so much.

OWL, yearbook photo indeed. Hilarious.