Thursday, October 26, 2006

Halliburton Solves Global Warming

Hat tip to Lulu Maude for pointing out Halliburton's brand new SurvivaBall. Designed to protect corporate managers from abrupt climate changes, these SurvivaBalls are essentially gated communities for one.

They were unveiled at the Catastrophic Loss Conference recently to thunderous applause. Vice President Dick Cheney will get one with a Vice Presidential Seal and a special compartment to hold his shotgun.

"Most scientists believe global warming is certain to cause an accelerating onslaught of hurricanes, floods, droughts, tornadoes, etc. and that a world-destroying disaster is increasingly possible. For example, Arctic melt has slowed the Gulf Stream by 30% in just the last decade; if the Gulf Stream stops, Europe will suddenly become just as cold as Alaska. Global heat and flooding events are also increasingly possible.

In order to head off such catastrophic scenarios, scientists agree we must reduce our carbon emissions by 70% within the next few years. Doing that would seriously undermine corporate profits, however, and so a more forward-thinking solution is needed."

The devices - looking like huge inflatable orbs - will include sophisticated communications systems, nutrient gathering capacities, onboard medical facilities, and a daunting defense infrastructure to ensure that the corporate mission will not go unfulfilled even when most human life is rendered impossible by catastrophes or the consequent epidemics and armed conflicts.

The SurvivaBall builds on Halliburton's reputation as a disaster and conflict industry innovator.

You can even hand out your business cards in a SurvivaBall Suit. They come in one size fits most, and only one color: WASP White.


robin andrea said...

Those folks at Halliburton, they're always on the ball! Look how smart they are. I'm so glad they run everything.

Frederick said...

Dokter Strangelove would be proud.

Lola Heatherton said...

I should date someone from Halliburton and they would give me a suit myself. Because entertainers of my quality will be still be needed.

Tina said...

WASP White.... damn! I guess my Italian Catholic ass is deemed ineligible... sigh.

sumo said...

It's probably not flammable so we can't go there when Dickster has one on. I'm sure there is some way to penetrate the damn thing. Trust me...I will find a way if it takes everything I have to infiltrate it and mess with him. I'm sure the look on my face alone would make his pacemaker stop working. I shall give it some thought and get back to you.

DivaJood said...

Robin, my one thought is that they are so cumbersome, we could play a variation of cow-tipping called Executive Tipping: knock 'em over and they can't get up.

Fred, put that gloved hand down.

Lola, oh, whatever.

Tina, you and my Jewish ass are absolutely ineligiable. What are we to do?

Sumo, (aka Oh Great Pumpkin Head) perhaps you could just forgo puncturing the suit, and visit the Dickster while wearing the Jack-o-Lantern head and stop his pacemaker? Get back to me on this.

karena said...

Well, the one good thing about the survival ball is that if everyone is white, racism may disappear. They'll have to put a face mask on it too, but what the heck, these smart guys can figure that out.

Shelly said...

Now Halliburton is cornering the "evil large marshmallow" market? Stick this guy on a wire hanger and put him over the campfire!! I am thinking S'Mores!!!
Reminds me of when the girl ate the gum in Willy Wonka and turned into a huge blueberry girl and had to be squeezed.
Wonder if we squeezed this Halliburton bastard it would ooze the 9 billion dollars that was lost in Iraq....

pekka said...

DivaJood, you come across as a "nagging nabob of negativism" again!

Surely the ALLEGED global warming can easily be stopped in it's tracks by those brilliant corporate executives that can invent pollution suckin robots to do the last minute clean up when deemed absolutely neccessary. In an unlikely event that they don't come up with the solution to this ALLEGED problem, there is also one that never fails, a PRAYER.

In the either case, you must be working for the communist conspirators or the Taliban Jihadists whom are for the disstruction of the sacred capitalism and Christian values. Be thus notified - there is a curse placed on you!

DivaJood said...

Karena, there are not enough for the rest of us. They are only built for neoconservative executives. The rest of us get tin foil hats.

Shelly, "evil large marshmallow" - HA! That's hilarious. I'd rather they made s'less. I don't think we'd find that lost money, though.

Pekka, ooohhh, scary! The triple "N" has been laid upon me. Nudge nudge, wink wink. (When are you going to get your own blog, Pekka?)

Sigrid Jardin said...

I was struck dumb by the line on the Halliburton web site describing this big white blob as "a gated community for one person". Now there's a concept for the future! Thanks so much for such an entertaining post!!

Anonymous said...

Great post... I am fascinated by the part in which the units can cluster together, before discarding the inessential ones. How chilling is that??

DivaJood said...

Sigrid, I like the gated community for one concept. That keeps the riff-raff exec away from the rest of us.

Lulu Maude, just as long as they don't reproduce.