Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Conversation with the Help Desk

I need to download a program onto my laptop for work. To do so, I had to call the Help Desk, which is not something I am accustomed to doing - asking for help, that is. After all, I am a Mother, and a Grandmother. I can do EVERYTHING. Not so much, but still. The illusion gets me through the day.

ME: Hello, help desk? I need help.

HELP DESK: Do you have Internet Explorer?

ME: Why, I think so. Is that the little page thingy with the e on it?

HD: (SIGHING) Yes, that's it. Go to this site: blahblahblah.blahblahblah.com

ME: (TYPING) blahblahblah.blahblahblah.com. Okay, I'm there.

HD: Click on blah.

ME: Okay, it's clicked.

HD: Now click on blah blah.

ME: Okay.

HD: Does it show the dancing bear? Click on the dancing bear.

ME: Okay, but he stops dancing.

HD: Good, that's good. He's supposed to stop dancing. Now save him to your desktop. It should take about an hour, so call back when it's done. It is a big file. Buh-bye.

ME: La, di, dah, la, di, dah. Oh, oh. It has timed out. (HITS REDIAL ON THE PHONE) Hello, help desk? It timed out.

HD: Oh, no. Not good. Some thingiemajigie or somesuch. I have to have someone from Hardware call you back. Buh-bye.


ME: Hello?

HARDWARE MAN: Is this Diva Jood?

ME: Uh-huh.

HARDWARE MAN: I am on vacation, but saw you needed help, so here I am to save the day. I have emailed you a link. Try the link.

ME: (TRYING THE LINK) It still times out.

HARDWARE MAN: Hmmm. I will have to call you tomorrow to install it. I will have to access your computer. There is a thingiemajigie or somesuch that prevents the downloading of files over a certain size. It's your ISP.

ME: Is that in English?

HARDWARE MAN: (LAUGHING) Yes it is. But it is a really big file, so I can save the day tomorrow when I am done vacating.

ME: Okedoke. Buh-bye.


This is a true tale, only the names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. Changing companies is a bitch and one half when your new place does not have anyone who understands the IT aspects of the job. Not tonight, dear. I have a headache, and it's only 9 AM.


Anonymous said...

Down here in Georgia, we'd say bless your heart.

What a pain. I have the same issues with my computer. I have to have our administrator install any new software.

Mary Ellen said...

Hi Diva, thanks for stopping by my blog today.

Everything I've learned on the computer has been from digging around and trying stuff out. But when it comes to the computer lingo, I'm lost. Whenever I have problems with it, my husband tells me I need to check the cookies to see if something is blocking it. Now, I know it sounds silly, but what would checking the cookies in my oven have to do with the computer? Not to mention, I wasn't even making any freakin' cookies, he KNOWS I'm trying to watch my diet. Sheesh.

My grandson is coming to visit in August and he's going to teach me how to do powerpoint. I don't know what that is, but he's 12 years old and a lot smarter than I am so I'll see what I can learn from him.

Pedestrian said...

Hey Diva!

Would be more than glad to help if I can from here ;-)

................ I saw that you are reading the Drinking the Sea at Gaza .

I was wondering how you like it. Is it worth the read?

okjimm said...

Wowsers...I occasionaly have those problems....which is compounded by the fact that I work for MegaCorp....hence, all help desks calls are automatically routed to Omaha, where they are given a work ticket#, processed, and then sent back to the IT guys who work in an office just behind me.

I solved the whole deal just by saying 'fuck Omaha', walking into the IT office with some donuts and asking the dudes if 'they can just spare a moment' and walk over to my desk and fix it. Works for me. Donuts are fantastic. I usually carry some in my car, too, in case I get pulled over for speeding

robin andrea said...

We've been having our share of tech conversations with our new dsl service provider, AT&T. Roger and I are both fairly technically literate, but were utterly unprepared for the ineptitude, idiocy, and sheer lunacy of our recent encounters. During today's nearly one-hour conversation,
Roger spoke with someone who had terrible nasal congestion, which made him almost incomprehensible. If not for the importance of what we were trying to accomplish, we would have been laughing like it was a scene from an absurd Monty Python sketch.

Randal Graves said...

In times like this, I can almost see the appeal of being a Luddite. Then I remember the internets is where they keep all the porn.

DivaJood said...

D-Cup, in this case I am not sure I have a heart left to bless. Because at the soon-to-be-ex-job, they've been trying to download some OTHER software, which I will then have to train on, and I mentally reject. But I was quoted today in Travel Agent Magazine, which was way cool.

Mary Ellen, I understand - what do cookies have to do with computers anyway? Don't they cause crumbs? I'm just saying.

Pedestrian, I wish you could, but you can't, and yes, it is most definately worth the read (although it breaks my heart.)

okjimm, I am a Diva, and don't need to resort to the donut trick, which is good because in LA we have Krispy Creams, which are so good they should be an illegal substance. I digress. As a Diva, the Hardware Man calls me even while he is on vacation. (Which is because I am actually quite pathetic in this particular arena.)

Robin, usually, those calls have been routed to somebody called "Roger" (no offense) who is really Raj, in India or some place, and they are much smarter than we Yanks are, and are patiently trying to explain things to us in a way that we can understand. Which is frustrating, because Computer is a language that makes no sense to me at all.

Randal, isn't Luddite a brand of suitcases? Don't forget, as manager of my campaign for Diva President, you will have access to all of the internets.

FranIAm said...

Great post. I used to be in the business of software installation and training and customer support. I started the first "help" line that our company had for clients... it was called the Hell line for a time.

These things get harder and more complicated, shouldn't it be the other way around?

DivaJood said...

FranIAm, I thought things were supposed to get easier too - I guess we have been disabused of THAT silliness, eh? In my next life, I intend to come back as a nice, well loved puppy. Then I would only worry about getting my head scratched.