It is official. I am announcing my candidacy for President, and my fabulous running mate is Sister Mary Ellen. We cover THREE minorities with this ticket: two women, one Jew (me) and a Catholic (Mary Ellen). The campaign is being managed by the charming and irrepressible Randal Graves, who is also responsible for our platform. Part of the platform is that everyone has to dress fabulously, or I won't play nicely. And the adorable okjimm is in charge of refreshments. He's promised root beer for me, real beer for the rest of you, and donuts for everybody.
I am accepting applications for all the cabinet positions - and if there is a new position you'd like to create, I will consider it. I do want somebody in charge of Reality TeeVee, because I think there should be a show where body parts of Republicans are fed to wolves. And I am also accepting applications for the Supreme Court, because four of those Justices have got to be removed. I mean, Antonin Scalia? Bad hair, bad dresser, bad attitude. Justice Alito? He's younger than I am, so he REALLY has to go. Chief Justice Roberts? I just don't like his name - I mean, a guy with two first names should not be Chief Justice.
I have no pledged delegates, no super delegates, but I do have a lovely tiara and opera gloves.
UPDATE: okjimm has suggested the following for the platform:
I would be of the humble and modest opinion that it would be MANDATORY that all sons and DAUGHTERS of our elected officials…. Congressmen, Judiciary, shit-the whole kit-kaboodle of them—- be automatically inducted into our Armed Services. If the parents are so eager to serve THEIR country…. so should the offspring! And why would such PARENTS object! The military offers excellent benefits and education opportunities! And a damn good chance to be killed! And kill others! Which I have ammended to state that would be MANDATORY that all sons and DAUGHTERS of our REPUBLICAN, CHICKEN-HAWK, NEO-CONSERVATIVE, WAR-MONGERING elected officials…. You know, the ones who really WANT war, not us.
57 comments:
Yay! It's official. I'm going out to buy a new fabulous wardrobe for our campaign! I can charge it to the campaign, right?
Might I suggest that if elected President, "Hail to the Chief" be played by midgets with kazoos? It would be so much more entertaining, no?
Mary Ellen, I like the idea of a midget kazoo band - that's fabulous. And yes, charge all expenses to the campaign. With okjimm doing refreshments, we should get a lot of money.
Can I be in charge of the food & drug administration and the DEA? I'm just saying. I think I'd be good at it.
Spartacus, you can certainly be in charge of food and drugs and the DEA, as long as chocolate is made a food group.
Thanks. Consider it done, so long as it doesn't require a Constitutional Amendment or a Presidential signing statement. I need autonomy.
Autonomy? In my presidency, there will be no signing statements, as it might mean I'd break a nail. You can have COMPLETE autonomy. Now where is Randal? I need a platform.
I'd like to be National Science Advisor. Though I'd probably be better suited to the Reality TV post. Since Republicans like war so much, I propose "Republican Gladiators," a show where Republicans fight to the death in a modern day Colisseum shaped like Iraq. I can't wait see Bill O'Reilly and Ann Coulter square off. And if they fight to the death, the real winners are the viewer public.
My problem is that I don't dress fabulously. Maybe I can be a lobbyist.
drdon, the Reality TeeVee post is yours because you don't have to dress fabulously for that. It's TeeVee, after all, and messy. Especially if you sanction "Republican Gladiators" and I love the first contest of Bill O and Ann Coultergeist. But can we then feed their body parts to wolves?
Wait, I'll be President. Of COURSE we can feed their body parts to wolves.
Oh, please put me in charge of the FCC (Federal Communications Commission). Pretty please with opera gloves.
I'd like to be on the supreme court. No law degree, but justice for all. And don't forget that oreo who harassed Anita Hill? I can never remember his name--that's how much I hate that rat bastard. He and Scalia are always on the wrong side of every issue. He's got to go. So sad that the first black justice is a right wing, pissed off fuckwad.
I agree with okjimm's platform and I endorse any advertisement that says so.
Dcup, you can be in charge of the FCC, no worries at all - what will you do? And you can wear opera gloves and eat vanilla cake.
Utah, you can replace that guy for sure, he also has two first names, Clarence Thomas, he's such an absolute dickwad. And I know you will dress fabulously. And you can bring all your dogs to Court, and you can serve up creamed corn.
Hey, and doan forget about the jelly donuts! "A Jelly Donut in Every Pot" .... or is it "Pot in Every Jelly Donut"...hmmm I forget. take it up with Sparts.
I'd rather have a jelly donut in every tummy, okjimm.
As the chair of the FCC, I'll start with an overhaul of the media ownership guidelines. There's way too much consolidation. I'll repeal the ridiculous "decency" laws and I'd love to bring back the Fairness Doctrine just to jack around the rightwingers.
That's for starters.
Spartacus, are you going to help with the potted jelly donuts?
okjimm, I would NEVER forget about the Jelly Donut Pots. But remember, mine can only have powdered sugar or chocolate.
Dcup, you rock! And to bring back the fairness doctrine with opera gloves, amazing. And can you please remand Rupert Murdoch to Gitmo for his Fox Noise Station? Except, he can leave House and Bones.
I could be in charge of the EPA but you'd have to give me a budget that I can work with to implement reforms. Also where in the hell is Randal?
Liberality, you can have an unlimited budget because there won't be any war, unless the newly drafted neo-cons pay their own way.
I'll make sure that Rupert is secured in lockdown in Gitmo with a daily regimen of naked human triangle participation and spankings with a paddle with Bill O'Reilly's face on it. Once a month, Keith Olbermann will be flown in to administer the spankings and it will be televised live on MSNBC.
Wowswers! Gees, Diva, this is all shaping up&stuff!
Spartz is gotza the DEA and FDA...may as well give 'em FTD too.
Ya gonna need flowers for the inaugural.
drron...is RealityTV Authority and National Science....I think it should be just one post in the cabinet...Reality Science TeeVee.
and Dcup is FCC? (is that a new Bra size or something?)
and Utah is Supreme Court&
Libbyality is got an unlimited budget with the EPA. Whoa, can you say Solar Power?
...and a midget kazoo band.
Hey, this is shaping up wonderfully. I waNNA be in charge of HEW and donuts.
Dcup, I'm not sure I want to think about Rupert Murdoch naked, but I hope it's a one-way ticket for destroying News, Newspapers, and the like. The paddle with Bill O's face, ohh, nasty.
okjimm, I agree. Spartacus gets FTD as well as DEA and FDA, and possibly the IRT as well. Is that okay with New Yorkers? And drdon will be a wonderful Reality Science TeeVee Cabinet Secretary, as long as he feeds the body parts of the Republicans to the Wolves. And Lib can consider taking those well-fed wolves off the endangered species list, after they get the body parts. Utah SHOULD be Chief Justice - I think that would be perfect. And you can certainly have HEW and Donuts. Don't forget my root beer.
You have my vote! send all the NeoCons to war then they would end it! i have to tell you I love the picture of the Beanie Baby. She is the cutest!
A report on Randal: Today is his day off and in lieu of blogging he chases his wife around the house while naked. Considering this is a weekly event of Randal's, it might be best to suspend his management duties on Monday's.
I'm so happy to see your fellow bloggers so excited about jumping into the campaign! Since D'Cup was so kind to join in as heading up the FCC, do you think that she could talk Mathman into heading up the Treasury Dept.? Or maybe the Department of Education?
Dive you are the only source of joy in my life at the moment. If it gets tough for the Nominee in LA, I'll offer you sanctuary at Chez Savage. It's Zion after all. And you would be considered a gentile here. I'm native american and so I am descended from the wandering in the desert of Moses' time, so I am chosen and am beloved in my neighborhood. Mainly because I leave my cage, I mean cave, infrequently, mostly to forage. Utah is a very strange place--We could send all the old chicken hawks to gitmo, and I'm down with a jelly donut and a windmill for all.
Dcup. Has great domestic policy insights and instincts--in past governments --the ones that actually governed, who in the cabinet performed the sort of changes you have in mind? I've forgotten what a real government does.
I've mentioned this to MathMan and he has some ideas about it. He should be by in a bit.
Hey Diva, I just realized something...maybe okjimm's son, Bubba, could do some free advertising for the campaign on his radio show. That will be sure to clinch the Wisconsin vote....well, at least the Oshkosh vote.
Here the poop... the new Homeland Security combines the treasury and education because money and knowledge translate into power. Then I will be your man. Oh, and it must also include baseball commissioner.
Patriot, don't you think that being mooned by a 3 year old is a great campaign photo?
Mary Ellen, thanks for the update on our AWOL campaign manager. I was worried.
Utah, I intend to be Diva Pres for all - but I will come visit you in Zion, it would be nice to be a gentile for a minute. There's a great spa not far from you, it's Red Rock or something like that. I don't remember. But that said, you will be Chief Justice, even better since you are Native American. Big Chief Justice?
DCup, I think Mathman will be a great Treasury Secretary, no doubt.
Mary Ellen, what a great idea - I'm all for free advertising and such.
Mathman, you are director of Homeland Security, Treasury, and Baseball Commissioner as long as the Cubs get to win ONE damn World Series before I die and then every year it should be between the Cubs and White Sox. Oh, and you can be Football Commissioner too, if you want.
Now you're talkin' sports and politics will only mix for the government -Mike and Mike will not be allowed to go to the white house any more (a little random).
I accept with the football deal, too. Sorry New Yorkerz, well not too much, but there will be no more Yankee or Mets (too bad for you Fartacus- you may to become a Cubs fan) WS championships. I might let another team win the Super Bowl occasionally besides the Bears.
Hey!!!! I gotta correct Utah Savage's remark-- Clarence Thomas is NOT the first balck supreme court justice..... Thurgood Marshall held that post & he waited until Clinton was elected to retire, and was replaced by Ruth Bader Ginsberg. He was responsible for the desegregation in Borwn vs Board of Education.
I would like a spot on the Supreme Court... but would like the *Here come the Judge* musical jingle to be played when entering roooms in an official capacity.
Otherwise I would volunteer to be the Poobah of Reality checks in Congress.
Any dipstick w really bad ideas might get it upside the head with a peashooter.
Any politician who thinks it is a good idea to stay at war can ship out to the front lines ASAP.
No cushy desk job for them!
Mathman, I knew I could count on you for that Baseball/Football thingie. And yes, once in a while, someone other than da Bears could win the Super Bowl (But NOT Green Bay.)
Fran, you can indeed be on the Supreme Court - with Big Chief Justice Utah Savage - but you get the "Here come the Judge" music. Someone else has to be Poohbah of Reality Checks.
Diva I will support you in any way I can! My only elected offices (so far) have been president of the 4th grade (milk money was the big issue) and jr high cheerleader, so I am not sure what, if anything I am qualified for. Oh, I was once named as The Procurer of Expendables for some committee! Do you have any Expendables that need procuring? If so, I will procure them at the best available price (no govt cost-plus contracts).
Expendables are disposable items:
1. not worth preserving or saving for reuse.
2. easily sacrificed if the need arises or in order to achieve an aim.
So really, any lil ol' thing you want, as long as you don't really need it & it has no lasting value, I'm your Procurer! Pedicures for your fabulous strappy stilettos might fall into this category.
Is the position of Secretary of State still available? I went to secretarial college in Botswana and got 96%, just a little less than Mma Grace Makutsi. I feel that experience should serve me well when I head out to other parts of the world with big bags of jelly donuts, beer and rootbeer to offer apologies and promises we'll never let the wingnuts out of the TeeVee Coliseum unless it's to go to Gitmo where they can be looked after by friends and relatives of the current inmates.
DK, since you are so good at expendables, I think you should probably be Attorney General. Is that position filled? I forget. Where is Randal when I need his input? Oh, I forgot, chasing Mrs. Randal around naked. Or do expendables have more to do with being Secretary of the Fence? Whatever, you are hired.
Susan, yes, you can certainly be Secretary of State, as long as you don't get Condi Rice Eyes - those are scary. It's good you went to Secretarial school in Botswana. That should give you some credibility when slinging bags of jelly donuts around.
I'm confused. I thought the A.G. was supposed to defend the constitution, not treat it like an expendable. Unless your administration intends to sacrifice it? I would take the position of Attorney Generalness seriously. Justicia para todos! No one is above the law (unless they are wearing a particularly fabulous gown & gloves)! D.K., AG/Expendables ... sounds good.
Diva
Yes that would make my day! Isn't that funny? She is just the cutest and I look forward to seeing pictures of her.
Great idea...go for it!
mathman, PLEASE let the Browns win ONE Super Bowl? PLEASE?
diva, you do realize how comical it is that I'm in charge of your platform and that part of that platform is dressing fabulously, and I'm easily the worst-dressed person in your administration.
// easily the worst-dressed person in your administration. //
Ha! Campaign Reform!
DK, the constitution has already been turned to toilet paper by the current Cheney administration, so nothing to worry about. I wear fabulous gowns so I am above the law. Mary Ellen is a none - I mean Nun - so she dresses fabulously as well. Our ticket is above the law.
Patriot, Beanie's Butt is the logo of my candidacy.
MariaMaria, do you want to be on the cabinet? I still need a Poobah of Reality Checks.
Randal, I am sure Mathman can arrange that in an off-year for da Bears. As for your attire, as campaign manager, I would expect you to dress comfortably because of the longish hours. Don't worry your cap-covered head about dressing fabulously, okay?
okjimm - ha, I love it. Campaign reform indeed. If you think that Randal will get Nunly out of her habit, I've got a bridge for sale in Brooklyn.
okjimm- Hey, I resent that! I think Randal could get me out of my habit...I just hope our respective spouses don't find out!
Besides...my habit is stylin'....and has lots of secret pockets to hide my stash.
I'll never tell.
Of course I was talking about your stash.
Of course I have to feed some choice bits of old political hackery to the wolves--that's just for openers! Wowsie, (Okjimm you are rubbing off on me here), it seems like your bid for presidency is a big hit! I gotta go tell Dr. Zaius that he better watch out.
Mary Ellen, what kinds of stash are in the pockets of your habit?
Randal, secrecy is essential, otherwise there will be signing statements.
Lib, is Dr. Zaius running for President too? Yikes. I'll have to toss him to the wolves.
I note that Susan bagsed Sec State, but on a dubious premise. We call it foreign affairs and you can't get more foreign than me.
The good thing is I'm white - males and have a really strange accent so you wouldn't confuse me with the present office holder.
Barring that I like the idea of Sec Tres - and I could buy a calculator. I'd really love to do a Salmon Chase and start my own bank, print my own money. If we don't learn from history what is the good of it?
Love the logo. What's the slogan?? You gotta have a slogan.
Cart, if you intend to have foreign affairs, I can't be responsible. And Mathman has Treasury. You would make an absolutely fabulous Poobah of Reality Check, or you could have foreign affairs. Or, better, you could be Ambassador to the UN and pound shoes.
Fran, I don't have a slogan. You want to create a slogan? Something about kissing my perfect pink butt or some such.
Diva, I'll endorse you if I can be White House press secretary. Of course, we'll have to find a real press somewhere first. If we can find actual reporters who report, I'll arrange a real press conference. With jelly donuts and coffee. Lots of both. This is gonna be fun!
Border Exploerer, you can be press secretary, but it does not have to involve ironing. But actual reporters, who actually report? That would mean I would have to actually say something of actual substance, and that would mean work.
I now have cast they lot into the Secratary of the Fence! All those who try and take this from me shall be slain. Diva, don't go back on your word and just let me know what I need to do to further your campaign.
Bradda, you are indeed Secretary of The Fence. You do need to sing "Don't Fence Me In" at least once a day, but you will be a fine SOTF.
Diva "Poobah of Reality Check" sounds impressive, but Miserable, Skeptical Bastard more honest.
I don't know of an administration with this essential position. I'm honoured.
May I be head of the Judicial Committee? Think of all the people I could indict.
;L)
Can I be your speechwriter?? I have a poli sci degree and what better thing to do when you've done all the researchin' and researchin' and did I mention writing and writing??phoo..better make use of it instead of just looking after the kiddies at home. I just toured the Capitol and woman..there's a statue waiting to be made (just think, first woman prez..who would've thunk it??)
also, too 'truth and propaganda' class (mass com and philosophy class but I went out of my way 'cause I figured it ought to be part of poli sci).. so I got those politickin' words hones and skilled..
Ingrid
From the photo on your post, one might assume that you are a Republican. That end is where the GOP does most of it's talking from, anyway. ;o)
Cart, I thought you wanted to be minister of people having foreign affairs. I'm blond, don't confuse me.
Stella, do you mean in Congress? That would require you to run for Congress, which sounds too much like work. If you want to be part of the Attorney General's staff, well, DK is AG. I think you should be head of the FBI, and CIA, which would let you tap Republican phones without warrants.
Ingrid, yes, please, write my speeches. That would be terrific. I'm blonde, and confuse easily, so don't make the words too big.
Dr. Zaius, I thought, after the last 8 years, that it was a lovely touch to toss a moon at the rest of 'em. Does this mean you want to debate?
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