1. Phone Conversation, starring Gramma, Beanie and Mommy
Beanie: (on speakerphone) Gramma I ate soap.
Gramma: Oh, baby, how did that happen?
Mommy: (in background) Tell Gramma what you did!
Beanie: I spat out.
Gramma: That's good.
Mommy: What else did you do?
Beanie: Rinse and spit. (starts making swishing noises, then spitting noises into the phone.)
Gramma: How did you get the soap in your mouth?
Beanie: Yeah. I got soap in my mouth.
Mommy: She thought it was a cookie.
2. At an AA Oldtimers Meeting
Speaker: I heard a guy say he started coming to AA meetings because he'd get a lot of sex. (She pauses, looks around.) Shit, I only ever got a jelly donut.