Thursday, July 24, 2008

Ode to Randal, Campaign Manager


Randal Graves, campaign manager extraordinaire, has come up with the platform to end all platforms for our assault on the White House campaign for the Presidency. My running-mate, The lovely Nunly is nothing but spiritual and holy, so we'll get the religious fanatics which will help keep us on a higher plane plain level. She's busy working to get media attention for us.

Here is a partial list of Cabinet and Supreme Court Positions:

Spartacus is FDA, DEA and FTD (someone needs to be in charge of flowers.)

Drdon is National Science Advisor and head of Reality TeeVee - "Republican Gladiators" will throw neo-con body parts to the wolves.

Dcup is head of the FCC, and she will wear Opera Gloves.

Utah Savage is Big Chief Justice of the Supreme Court,

Liberality will head up the EPA.

Mathman has taken Homeland Security, Education, Treasury, Baseball Commissioner and Football Commissioner, making him more powerful than god.

Fran is another Supreme Court Justice. She gets theme music, "Here come da judge, here come da judge."

DK Raed is so good at procuring, and expendables, that I want her to be Attorney General. It makes no sense, but I like the discord.

Susan will be Secretary of State, and promises to not get those scary devil eyes that Condi Rice has.

Cart is Australian, so he wants to have foreign affairs. Whatever.

Border Explorer has become our Press Secretary. Not that there is any serious pressing to be done, but still.

Okjimm is in charge of refreshments and good ideas.

JUST ADDED: Bradda will be Secretary of The Fence. This is such an important person, because he doesn't want to study war no more and he will sing "Don't Fence Me In" three times a day.

YET ANOTHER UPDATE: Agi has signed on to be minister of political affairs consultant/propaganda (photoshop). He should start with my fixation on firemen.

But Randal has come up with a 12 point platform. It was supposed to be 11 but he said that's a scary number.
1. Universal Health Care
2. Free donuts and beer for everyone (root or grainy)(the beer, not the donuts)
3. Protecting cemetaries or some other nonsense from thieves.
4. Slashing the Pentagon's budget so we can do something about hot globes.
5. Mandatory military service for pro-war citizens and their offspring, but not for the rest of us pinko liberal commie scum
6. Doing away with NCLB, which is really only there to waste paper for test taking, so it helps the hot globe thingie as well.
7. Fixing our infrastructure (roads, dams, levees, bridges, things that fall down in the night due to high winds, earthquakes, and generally shoddy workmanship)
8. Warrantless wiretapping will be limited to Republican targets.
9. No more sports championships for the cities of Noo Yawk and Bah-ston for awhile. And we've added Los Angeles to that list as well.
10. Cleaning out the Bush and Reagan and Ford Supremes from the Court. (Both Bush 1 and 2)
11. Hockey? WTF? HOCKEY? Oh, that falls under the Reality TeeVee arena, and as long as I can watch the Chicago Cubs at will, I'm jiggy with it.
12. People will dress fabulously as soon as we get rid of those pesky SUVs and high gas prices and switch to Solar Powered vehicles.

Did I miss anything? Leave anyone out? Remember, Mary Ellen and I are taking on Dr. Zaius as well as McBush McCain and Obama.

53 comments:

DCup said...

Perfect. And it looks like I'm married to the right guy. Phew!

Mariamariacuchita said...

Sounds like a great platform...Where can I cast my vote!

Spartacus said...

How about this?

A comprehensive drug testing policy that focuses on the drugs produced by pharmaceutical companies.

A drug enforcement policy that places emphasis on education, treatment and rehabilitation instead of eradication/interdiction.

I'll make sure to talk to DK Raed about what to do with all those pot-dealing radicals who are sitting in jails for 20 years for dealing an ounce.

An end to the prohibition of a certain, native American weed whose practical uses go far beyond the act of burning and inhaling.

okjimm said...

//Okjimm is in charge of refreshments and good ideas.//

Wowsers...good ideas? I see a flaw in your campaign team already!

oh,
#13 Ernie Bank's birthday, January 31, will hence be a National Holiday. Hey, "Let's Play Two!"

(hey, I hate baseball, but ya gotta love Ernie!!)

Randal Graves said...

Best boss ever.

But spartacus, pot is a gateway drug, not unlike booze! Damn DFHs. Wait, so am I. Nevermind.

This is list is very helpful because I'm sure someone at some point will ask me a question about these fine folks and hell, I don't even know some of them!

Randal Graves said...

UNLIKE booze. I killed my barely comical comment before it got off the ground.

And some hot globes are fine, just not the one we live on.

Spartacus said...

But spartacus, pot is a gateway drug, not unlike booze!

Ha ha... I was talking about Hemp, which can be used for paper, clothing, rope, biofuels... and of course.... inhaling...

And DJ... I got nothin' on the flowers... unless we can use hemp.

Agi said...

Got any room left in that cabinet? I'd like to volunteer for political affairs consultant/propaganda (photoshop) minister.

okjimm said...

But gees, "Dead Flowers"...the Rolling Stones 1971

So who's Minister of Rock&Roll....that could be DEA...or FCC....it could be refreshments..... hmmmmmmm

DCup said...

As the Chair of the FCC, shall I find a rock and roll czar? I'm game.

Border Explorer said...

Randal is hot in his new campaign duds. Maybe I should switch from being press secretary to being an intern...

DivaJood said...

Dcup, obviously you like a guy who handles balls. I mean, footballs, baseballs, as well as Homeland Security and Money. Well done.

Maria, just remember to vote early and often.

Spartacus, //A comprehensive drug testing policy that focuses on the drugs produced by pharmaceutical companies.// I would only add a bit about ADVERTISED by drug companies so they can invent a disease or syndrome to make more money.

okjimm, making Ernie Bank's Birthday a national holiday is a GREAT idea. I am increasing your salary. Doubling it.

Randal, it helps if you clean your monocle before typing - I've only just discovered that fact. And since you work so much harder than you are used to, I will double YOUR salary as well.

Nobody else right now, don't get any ideas about salary.

Spartacus, Hemp is fabulous for clothes, and rope, and brownies. Oh, wait, not brownies, makes them too mealy. As for the flowers, all you have to do is hire an assistant and double their salary.

Agi, you would make a great minister of political affairs consultant/propaganda (photoshop). I will amend the cabinet list. It's done.

okjimm, another good idea - a rock and roll chair. Yes, FCC it is.

Dcup - oh, I thought for a minute you wrote rock and roll CAR, but you really said czar. See? I need to clean my monocle. Note to Diva Jood: don't give advise you don't use for yourownself. Yes, find a R&R Czar, double their salary.

DivaJood said...

Border Explorer, you are SO naughty. This is the Campaign Platform list, NOT the firestation. Behave. On the other hand, I'm not a right wing shut down twisted old hag. So you can keep your job as Press Secretary, and behave like an intern with Randal and his monocle.

Mary Ellen said...

We can't lose with that platform!

But wait...if MathMan is more powerful than God, do I have to get down on my knees and pray to him? I mean, I can't get down on my knees for any other reason, otherwise DCup will slap me upside my wimple.

I can't wait to move into the VP quarters, I heard there's an undisclosed location that I will also get. That can come in handy for...stuff.

DCup said...

M.E. - I would never slap you!

Randal Graves said...

spartacus, of course you were talking about hemp and its many legitimate commercial uses.

I get interns? And I'm not even a fireman! BE, my office is just down the hall.

DivaJood said...

ME, Dcup cannot slap the VEEP, it's unprofessional. And we're all professional here, right?

Dcup, see? Thanks for backing me up.

Randal, hemp can even be used medicinally. Just don't distract B.E. with firemen.

Border Explorer said...

Randal, I'll be right over with your coffee. And jelly donut.

Border Explorer said...

Randal, I'll be right over with your coffee. And jelly donut.

Border Explorer said...

Oops, sorry for the hiccup--and I'll make that a custard donut, Sir.

enigma4ever said...

anything for an old fed up nurse ? ( I was willing to help with the Firemen...but looks like someone else beat me to it...)

DivaJood said...

B.E. you are so excited about your prospects with Randal, it's got you repeating yourself. And saying the same thing more than once. :)

Enigma, there are many things you can do. You can be one of the Supremes on the Supreme Court. I only have a couple of Supremes lined up so far.

Bradda said...

I am honored to be Fenceman! I will do my best...

susan said...

I think we need somebody to find all of Bush's signing statements and put them in the shredder. What cabinet position would take care of that or would it be a duty of the Filing Clerk of State?

Madam Z said...

I see only one unfilled position. Your Department of Fortunetelling will need a good palm reader. I, Madam Z, would be happy to accept that position.

Ingrid said...

I signed up late so if I can be squeezed in that would be great.. I commented to one of the posts below..a humble speechwriter will do.. (as long as I get to travel in Marine one or Airforce one..whoohoo)..
ehem..my 'credentials' is in the comment I made previous..

Ingrid

Mathman6293 said...

As usual I am late I was watching Sport Center - where else would I get my info. But as Czar of all that is important the entire period of the baseball playoffs will be the new holiday season. The same goes for Superbowl week. Most importantly, homework will be optional. Students must do their work while they're in school. Duh. I have spoken.

DivaJood said...

bradda, don't forget to sing, three times a day. It's essential.

Susan, oh, a new job! Filing Clerk of State! Or is that the same as Secretary of State? Do we have a shredder big enough? If we don't let's get one.

Madame Z, you are now the official fortune teller. Will I win? What about the lottery? What about the Chicago Cubs?

Ingrid, you are official speech writer. DOn't forget to prepare me for the debate with Dr. Z.

Mathman, I thought that baseball and football playoffs already were a holiday? If not, let's make it official.

susan said...

Filing Clerk of State is definitely a different position fro SofS. Dick Cheney already has the biggest shredders in his 'secret' location. We just have to blow a few doors to find them.

I think a 'Bookkeeper of State' might be a good addition and how do you feel about 'Receptionist of State'?

DivaJood said...

Susan, I agree. We need a Bookkeeper of State, someone who can really cook the books, and make sure things balance when they don't, someone who uses fuzzy math. And I would like to have a Receptionist of State. Someone with a great, smooth, silky voice. Someone like, oh, ALAN FUCKING RICKMAN.

Ingrid said...

Dr.Z Dr.Z.. now where can I get the scoop on him??? (it's good to know your scoop hehe)

Ingrid

Ingrid said...

oh ding dong.. I see dr. Zaius..alrightie..I'm gonna have a dose of Lewis Black tonight here in Austin so lemme see what i can write this weekend..hopefully some of that Lewis Blackisms will rub off on me (or I'll just have to 'borrow' some lines )

Ingrid

Randal Graves said...

You like Alan Rickman, right?

I just want to be clear.

DivaJood said...

Ingrid, I am so glad I've got such an alert, awake speehifierwriter. Whew.

Randal, I lust after Alan Rickman, and have done for twenty years. It's a tough job, but somebody has to do it.

Anita said...

alan rickman, firemen ... you're quite the lusty woman diva! so who else are you lusting after? inquiring minds want to know! we don't want to be hearing about our candidate having illicit late night rendezvous at places, like the beverly hills hilton, for example.

hey, just watching your back.

DivaJood said...

Anita, yesterday I was pulled over by an absolutely hunky CHPs officer on a motorcycle - I NEVER get pulled over, I'm a good(ish) driver. Turns out, expired stickers. He was not only drop dead gorgeous, he was as nice and polite as a man could be AND he didn't make me feel old. So, in order: Alan Rickman, FireMEN, Mr. CHPs, and quite a few others, actually. You can be in charge of making sure there are no paparazzi around - be the Chief of Anti-Paparazzi.

HelenWheels said...

Wow, Divajood, you sure are surrounded by hunks lately. Hey - I lust after Alan Rickman too! What the? Wanna fight?

Oh and am I really up for a Supreme Ct. Judgeship? I can deciderize real good, honest I can!

enigma4ever said...

hhhmmm, I don't think I could be a supreme...I have done some things that well...were not supreme or legal....

hmmmmm, is there a Dept of Health and Diss-services ?

enigma4ever said...

oh I have changed my mind...I did leave Randall a note regarding his interns....but alas....nothing...so how about Can I work in the Reopening of the X FILES Department ?

DivaJood said...

Helen, you would be a great Supreme, consider it done. As for Alan Rickman, no, you see, I am Diva and Prezilnut, so I get him, and nobody else. So there.

Enigma, hmmm, you most assuredly can do Health Disservices. It works just fine, it's your line of work and such.

DivaJood said...

Enigma, should the X-Files department merge with Health Disservices? Hmmmm.

enigma4ever said...

Diva...Now THAT is perfect ;-)

Dusty said...

That is a fine crew you have assembled but I would like to point out that they goof off alot and will probably eat you out of house and home. ;p

Mathman6293 said...

Dusty - I don't eat nearly as much as I used to and I am no longer in my cavity prone years. And you know, I might let the Chargers win a Super Bowl from time to time.

Madam Z said...

"Madame Z, you are now the official fortune teller. Will I win? What about the lottery? What about the Chicago Cubs?"

Thank you. Now, to answer your questions:
No.
No.
They're fucked.

Sorry...

enigma4ever said...

They're fucked ????


( Randall I want to file a complaint about the Fortune Teller...WHO is in charge of the Complaint Dept ? or the Fucked Dept ?)

DivaJood said...

Dusty, they can have free access to the pantry, as long as they all brush their teeth.

Mathman, isn't that overly generous about the Panthers? What about NEXT year?

Madam Z, I am now officially depressed.

Enigma, I don't think we have a "Fucked Department." Job still open.

enigma4ever said...

DIVA:::
Ahhhh, I think that the FUCKED Dept. would fit nicely under the "Health&Human Diss-Services" which now has an X FILES department, and surely needs a FUCKED department as well ? doncha think?.....

Dr. Zaius said...

You campaign platform is sadly lacking in what the American people truly care about - and that is Happy Underpants, Puppies, Rainbows, Kittens, Moonbeams and Chocolate Cake!

DivaJood said...

Enigma, The Health, Human Dis-Services, and Fucked Department has been formed. I need a Secretary for the HHDSFD.

Dr. Z, I am as much in support of Happy Underpants, Puppies, Rainbows, Kittens, Moonbeams and Chocolate Cake as the next person, PLUS I love firemen, and really good looking CHPs officers, and tap dancing.

enigma4ever said...

But the question is Diva do you love firemen and officers that can tap dance ?

DivaJood said...

Enigma, of course. Tap dancing firemen, and CHPs officers - wowzer, to quote okjimm

Mauigirl said...

Great platform and members of the future administration you've got lined up! Where do I send my check for the campaign???